Good News for Husbands

God does not make demands without supplying grace.

In our last article, we studied Paul’s exhortation in Ephesians 5 that husbands must “love their wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This is a serious, heavy responsibility, focused on the wife’s spiritual growth (v. 27).

But in the midst of this command, we read that it is Christ’s mission to “present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing.” As a husband who falls far short of this mandate to love, I need this encouragement. Though I may fail to give myself up for my wife’s sanctification, I can be sure that Jesus gave himself up for mine!

As Christ Loves the Church

We have, however, only explored half of Paul’s instruction for husbands. First, Paul tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (v. 25). Then, he says husbands must also love their wives as Christ loves the church.

The key section of the passage is Ephesians 5:28–30:

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of his body.

To apply this passage, we must consider two distinct but related questions: How do humans love their own bodies? And, How does Christ love the church?

As Your Own Body

Fortunately, we need not consider all possible ways a man cares for his body, for Paul speaks of nourishing and cherishing in verse 29.

Paul uses the word for “nourishes” later in the context of raising children to maturity (Ephesians 6:4). And the word for “cherishes” is translated as “tenderly cares” in 1 Thessalonians 2:7, where Paul describes his gentleness among the people.

So, how does a man care for his body? He nourishes his body by feeding and providing for it, through exercise, sleep, and nutrition. He strengthens and equips it. He cherishes his body by cleaning it, protecting it, and giving attention to any wounds or weaknesses.

Not all of these descriptions translate to the marriage relationship, but some do.

Just As Christ Does the Church

Christians often hear what Jesus has done for his people in history—and rightly so! His birth, life, obedience, suffering, death, resurrection, and ascension are glorious and essential.

But we don’t often recall the ways that Jesus cares for his church today. This is what Paul points to in Ephesians 5:29 when he uses the present tense, and we are to use this example, in part, to learn obedience as husbands.

Paul has not left us in the dark about Christ’s present care for the church. Consider what he has already written in Ephesians:

1. In Christ, we have been sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is a pledge of our inheritance (1:13–14). Jesus gives us his promise and points to the glorious future we will share with him.

2. God has put all things in subjection under Jesus’ feet, who has been given as head over all things to the church (1:20–23). Jesus is the supreme ruler, governing all things for the good of his body.

3. We have been brought near by the blood of Christ. Jesus has broken down the wall that divided Israelites from Gentiles. These are written in the past tense, but here is the present truth: Jesus is our peace. The reality of the ascended Jesus means we currently have peace with God; we are not excluded (2:11–16).

4. Because of Jesus, we have present-day access to God (2:18).

5. We are God’s household, growing into a holy temple in the Lord, a dwelling of God in the Spirit (2:19–22).

6. Paul prays that Christ would dwell in the Ephesians’ hearts by faith, so that they “may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that [they] may be filled up to all the fullness of God” (3:18–19). Christ’s presence gives a supernatural knowledge of his immense love, which fills us up to the fullness of God.

7. Christ has given gifts to the church (apostles, prophets, etc.) to equip the saints for the work of service. Since these gifts include pastors and teachers, this is a present-day work of Jesus, helping us grow in unity, knowledge, maturity, and love (4:11–16).

There are other ways that Jesus loves his church — in particular, he prays and advocates for us (Romans 8:34; Hebrews 7:25; 1 John 2:1). Isn’t his love for us lavish? Overflowing? Tender and generous?

So should a husband’s love be for his wife.

What Tender Love Looks Like

From these descriptions, we can make some practical conclusions about the ways a husband should love his wife.

Each husband must nourish and cherish his wife; this has physical, emotional, and spiritual dimensions. Because each marriage is unique, instead of giving universal suggestions I have provided a list of questions for husbands to consider.

• Are you tending to your wife’s health? Do you pray for her physical, emotional, and spiritual vitality? As much as it depends on you, are you working to provide for her in these areas? Do you talk with her about them?
• In areas of weakness for your wife, are you tender? Does she have confidence that you are for her, protecting and covering and nurturing her, eager for her growth and flourishing?
• Do you know the best ways to pray for her? Do you pray regularly and fervently for her?
• Do you value her? Does she know how much you value her? Do you celebrate the woman she is and the woman she is becoming?
• Do you give her gifts that let her know you love her? Do you make arrangements to share special times and make memories together?

Good News for Husbands

I love the way Paul injects hope into his commands. There is difficult work here for husbands, but there is so much good news too.

Remember—Jesus nourishes and cherishes the church. He does this not simply out of obligation or command, but because we are members of his body. In the same way that a man and woman become one flesh in marriage, so it is with Christ and the church.

Out of the overflow of infinite love, God the Father sent his Son to rescue his people. Because of the work of the Son in history, we are now joined to him—in love—forever.

Husbands, love your wives. Nourish and cherish her as your own body. Do so knowing that, as part of the church, Christ loves you with a tender, unbreakable, unending love. And in that love and strength you will be able to love your wife.

This post originally appeared at Unlocking the Bible.

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Photo Credit: Anne Edgar (2016), public domain

 

Husbands, Love Your Wives

I’m a deep sleeper, so it’s unusual for me to see the clock at 2:00 a.m. As my brain shook off the fog I heard the call again. “Mo-mmy! Da-ddy!” I grabbed my glasses and headed for the door.

My daughter had a nightmare. This happens about once a month, so we both know the routine. We prayed, focused on happier thoughts, and turned on some music. She slid back to sleep within minutes.

I can’t say I love these wakeup calls, but they provide a reflex test for my heart. When I know I should get up, will I hesitate? Will I wait for another call, hoping my wife will get up instead? Or will I take this small opportunity to give of myself?

Christ’s Love for the Church

At the end of Ephesians 5, Paul lays out a stunning picture of human marriage. He concludes, “this mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32). In sum, the command to wives is to respect their husbands; and husbands, to love their wives (v. 33).

Paul’s command to husbands in this letter is two-fold. He first tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (v. 25). Paul then tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church (vv. 28–29).

We’ll explore the first part of Paul’s teaching in this article. In a later article, the second command will be addressed.

A Word to Non-Husbands

Men make up less than half the church, and not all men are husbands. Is this passage relevant for everyone?

If you are not currently a husband, I hope you will continue reading. This passage in Ephesians will remind you of the love of Jesus for the Church—for you—and will instruct you how to pray for, encourage, and support those who fulfill this role. And, “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16).

A Husband’s Aim

Ephesians 5:25-27 says:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Christ’s aim for his church is a husband’s aim for his wife—her sanctification. “Sanctify” is just a fancy word meaning “set apart for God’s intended purpose.” God’s plan is to “present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (v. 27).

Husbands are to labor for the holiness and purity of their wives, just like Christ labors for the purity of his church. This means a godly husband will prioritize his wife’s spiritual growth. How can he practically do this?

Each husband should consider some serious questions about his wife on a regular basis:

• In what areas is her relationship with God strong? Where is it weak?
• What brings her the greatest joy?
• What battles with sin does she face? Where does she encounter discouragement, doubt, fear, or despair?
• What care, help, or wisdom does she need from me?

Husbands are commanded to “live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7), meaning they should strive to understand and get to know their wives. Through all of these inquiries, it’s vital that the husband makes his wife a priority, not a project. Love should make no one feel like the target of an investigation.

The answers to some of these questions will come through conversation and simple listening. Other answers will come through experience, advice, and the leading of the Spirit.

Sanctification may seem like a lofty goal, but Paul gives one simple, all-encompassing means to achieve it. Husbands must give themselves up for their wives (vv. 1, 25). This is a broad command begging for specific explanation and illustration.

Give Up Yourself

What does it look like for a husband to give himself up in order to sanctify his wife? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, because each person and each marriage is different.

The basic principle is that the husband should set aside what he values to help his wife value most what is most valuable—God himself. As someone has said: “A husband must be willing not only to die for his wife but also to live for her.”

Consider this short list of suggestions, offered to help each husband think specifically about how to lay down his life for his wife.

• Give up early mornings to read and study the Bible with your wife. Help each other make specific applications for that day.
• Give up devotional time to pray for her; pray with her.
• Give up your time and perhaps your finances to encourage the cultivation and expression of her God-given gifts.
• Give up your comfort to gently correct her from God’s Word, lest she be found with “spot or wrinkle” (v. 27). (Invite this correction of yourself, too!)
• Encourage her to spend time with her friends. Assume the necessary responsibilities and burdens to make this happen.
• Affirm her talents, her sacrifices, and her contributions to your family on a regular basis.
• Give up potential advancement or praise at work by spending time with her rather than at the office after hours.
• Give up your preferences when finding a church for your family. Within the scope of Bible-preaching, Jesus-loving churches, seek out what would be the best fit for your wife. What will help her to grow?
• Give up the comfort of being passive. Step into the leadership role God has given you within your family (1 Corinthians 11:3). In love, serve your wife by making plans, asking questions, and stepping out in front in ways that will bless her.

Not Just an Analogy

Paul uses a husband’s love for his wife as an example and explanation in this passage. But we must not miss the glorious truth contained in this analogy!

Jesus gave himself up for the church. He lost his comfort, his friends, his position, his time, his dignity, and he lost his life in a gruesome, humiliating display on the cross.

And because of his resurrection, one day Jesus will present the church to himself “in splendor”, without any spot or wrinkle at all. This gives me tremendous hope! When I look at myself and the church around me, I see lots of spots and wrinkles, lots of blemishes, and lots of evidence that we still need to be sanctified.

But let’s raise our eyes and see what Christ has done in his love for his Bride. He sacrificed himself making the one-time cleansing for her sin, but also secured and provided the power for her ongoing change. Jesus is committed to his holy church—to making her holy. You might think we have a ways to go, but make no mistake—the sanctified church is a certainty.

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. (1 Thessalonians 5:23–24)

This is good news for Christians, including husbands who fail to love, fail to give of themselves, and fail to joyfully labor for the sanctification of their wives. The church of God has a heavenly husband who provides all the forgiveness and power we need to joyfully lay down our lives for our wives as he laid down his life for us.

This post originally appeared at Unlocking the Bible.

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Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez (2016), public domain

 

You Are Not the Bride of Christ

You won’t find the phrase “bride of Christ” in your Bible. Just like the Trinity, this concept appears in Scripture without the wording we now use.

Though the biblical authors use this image to refer to the collective people of God, many today misapply it to individuals. This error has far-reaching and unexpected consequences.

The Old Testament

Let’s begin with the Bible. In the Old Testament, the nation of Israel was the people of God by virtue of God’s gracious covenant. In Isaiah 54 (and elsewhere), God used the language of marriage to describe his relationship with his people as a whole.

“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband,
the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
For the Lord has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
For a brief moment I deserted you,
but with great compassion I will gather you.
In overflowing anger for a moment
I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord, your Redeemer. (Isaiah 54:4–8)

The Israelites understood marriage, so God employed this language to explain his covenant. The prophets regularly used this image to point out Israel’s many idolatries. So we read of the people “whoring” after other gods and abandoning their faithful husband. (See Ezekiel 16 for a detailed and graphic example.)

The New Testament

With the coming of Jesus, the people of God are no longer confined to one nation. Now those who confess Jesus as Lord and Savior make up God’s community, the church.

The theme of the church as the bride of Christ comes from three New Testament passages. The famous passage about marriage in Ephesians 5:22–33 compares husbands to Christ and wives to the church. Paul tells the church in Corinth that he bethrothed them to one husband, Christ (2 Cor 11:2). Finally, the picture John develops in Revelation 21 shows the New Jerusalem as the bride of the Lamb (see verses 2 and 9–10).

Whether Old Testament or New, these references are all collective, not individual.

The Importance of Getting it Right

Teaching that individuals are the bride(s) of Christ is not just an innocent mistake. It can have serious consequences for our worship, our outreach, and our own sanctification. I see at least four reasons why it’s important to cling tightly to what the Bible says about this image.

1. Biblical accuracy is important.

When the Bible speaks about something, even by way of images, illustrations, and metaphors, we must interpret accurately.

2. We use this language in worship.

When we worship God corporately, we naturally use language that captures our relationship with him. This is true in prayer, preaching, and singing.

The church has been infected with Jesus-is-my-boyfriend songs for many years now, and I wonder if a misunderstanding of this biblical image is to blame. When we urge our congregations to sing about being in love with God (instead of loving God), we evoke a romantic image that echoes the brides-of-Christ mistake. I see these solitary, romantic notions nowhere in the Bible.

3. We risk emasculating men.

Some men already feel the church is too feminine. When we ask men—especially men new to (or outside) the faith who don’t yet know our strangeness—to profess being in love with Jesus, they may not come back. Since this brushes against the hot-button topic of homosexuality, we need to be clear about the sort of love men should have for Jesus.

4. We risk sending the wrong message to women.

Some of the single women in our churches long to be married. Trying to encourage them by teaching that they are “married to Christ” now is not helpful. It’s dismissive in addition to being unbiblical.

I suspect the Catholic church’s teaching about nuns has crept into the larger church culture on this point. The Catholic church’s catechism (scroll down to paragraph 923) teaches that nuns are “betrothed mystically to Christ” and that they are “an eschatological image of this heavenly Bride of Christ.”

This is nowhere in the Bible. We need to care for the single women in our churches with biblical comfort and love.

A Beautiful Image

The image in Scripture is clear: God is preparing and purifying his people for a great gathering at the end of time. The victorious Son of God, the Lord Jesus Christ, will meet his bride, the church, and there will be a great feast of celebration.

Let’s not dilute or distract from this great biblical image. You are not the bride of Christ; we are.

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Photo Credit: Andreas (2008), public domain

Jesus, the Moka Pot, and Me

My wife loves coffee. When the mood strikes, she breaks out this little classic, the Moka pot.

It’s easy: tuck grounds and water into their assigned quarters, then draw out the good stuff on the stove. Add water or milk to taste.

This Italian friend delivers a tasty beverage and makes my wife happy. And yet, I hate the Moka pot.

I am aware this is not rational.

Whose Mess?

My main issue: the Moka pot is not dishwasher-safe. In our house, this means I scrub the bugger.

Now the Moka pot isn’t difficult to wash by hand. Some disassembly is required, but I can clean everything without much fuss. Two or three minutes, tops.

In my mind, however, this process takes hours of tortuous labor. So, far too often, I ignore the Moka pot. He awaits cleansing by the side of the pool, for he has no one to lower him into the waters.

But my sin goes beyond mere neglect—there’s a dangerous storm brewing in my heart. That’s not mine, it’s hers. Why should I have to wash it when she’s the one who dirtied it? Why should I have to clean up her mess?

This thinking is not just silly and selfish. It may just be blasphemous.

Telling Lies

Consider this well-known verse.

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. (Eph 5:23, ESV)

Douglas Wilson has noted this is not a command but rather a statement of fact. And the comparison in this verse should drive Christian husbands to their knees.

Every marriage, everywhere in the world, is a picture of Christ and the church. Because of sin and rebellion, many of these pictures are slanderous lies concerning Christ. But a husband can never stop talking about Christ and the church. If he is obedient to God, he is preaching the truth; if he does not love his wife, he is speaking apostasy and lies—but he is always talking. If he deserts his wife, he is saying that this is the way Christ deserts His bride—a lie. If he is harsh with his wife and strikes her, he is saying that Christ is harsh with the church—another lie. If he sleeps with another woman, he is an adulterer, and a blasphemer as well. How could Christ love someone other than His own Bride? (Reforming Marriage, p.25)

He is always talking. Ouch. What am I saying about Christ as I leave the Moka pot dirty?

If I am unwilling to clean up my wife’s mess, I’m lying to the world about Christ’s love for the church. I’m saying that Jesus leaves the Church to wash herself, to fix her own problems.

What’s the Truth?

Praise God that this life-sermon I preach about Jesus is not true! Instead of neglecting the church and leaving her responsible for her own purity, Jesus cleansed the church “so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” (Eph 5:27) Further, since God took initiative in our salvation (Rom 5:8), my laziness and neglect toward my wife are not the last word.

In his mercy, God lifts my gaze from my lies to his truth. This is worth proclaiming and sharing far and wide!

If you’d like to discuss it, I know a beverage we can share.

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Photo Credit: downbeatpuppet, Creative Commons License

Bear the Burden

Global poverty. International terrorism. Destruction from typhoon Haiyan.

If you’re anything like me, when your eyes race by these immense topics, they acquire more glaze than a Krispy Kreme donut. These are enormous issues and problems, and addressing or even understanding them in any depth seems daunting. Who has the time or energy to dig in? How could one person possibly help?

At times, exhortations in the Bible can seem just as overwhelming. This is no problem with God’s word, but rather a problem with me. Here’s a BIG command.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:25–27, NASB)

In the pages of Scripture we read of the way in which Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, and this command takes on colossal status. How can I possibly do that? How can I love my wife that way or to that degree?!

And soon, we let the size and glory of this command wash over us and knock us down, and we only have a mouthful of salt water and sand to show for our ocean-wading efforts. But a large command is still a command, and as we grow in holiness we grow in obedience to the Lord. What he commands he also gives grace and power to accomplish.

Elsewhere on the web you can find helpful and accurate applications of this command: lead your wife, read the Bible with her, pray with her and for her, give your strength for her and not for yourself. But our obedience to the command doesn’t just take the form of a grand, beautiful quilt; we need to obey right down to the threads.

One of Christ’s chief works in his substitution for the church was taking on her burden of sin and offense against God. So too, I can take on my wife’s burdens. I should certainly be willing to take on large burdens for her, including working hard to provide for the family, initiating pastoral love toward her and the children, etc. But there are small, everyday burdens that I can shoulder as well.

The floors of houses with small children tend to accumulate toys and “art” the way a loop of tape acquires fuzz, and so it is in my home. My wife is neat and organized, and even she cannot defeat this armored Philistine alone. Because she has miraculously found places for these toys, my instinct is to leave the tidying to her, lest I have to bother her about gizmos every 90 seconds¹. But since she is exhausted by the end of the day after being spun like a top, God is teaching me to bear the burden for her. Let me scramble and reach under the bookcase for that Lego. I will wrestle the stuffed animals into the plastic bin. Leave the plastic beads to me.

You may think this insignificant, but as I crawl on the floor, God really does teach me. I learn a bit about bearing the burden for my wife, and it gives me a small, new perspective on worship.

Husbands, will you bear the burden for your wife? Will you love her and give yourself up for her?

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1. Of course we make our children pick up their toys. But, like big meals, sometimes cleaning parties have leftovers too. ↩

Photo Credit: Sharon Drummond, Creative Commons License